Children bring much joy to your life. Are you sure? Think again! According to Daniel Gilbert, Harvard university psychology professor, having children has a negative effect on marital satisfaction. It’s an illusion that children increase people’s happiness.

Gilbert , author of the book ‘Stumbling on happiness’ based his statement during a happiness conference in May in Sydney, Australia on several studies that are quoted in most developmental psychology textbooks: Many couples experience a dip in their marital satisfaction after the birth of their first child. Particularly at risk are those couples who married after a relatively short courtship, are not settled in their partnership yet and get a baby soon after marriage. If couples postpone having children until their careers are under way, work on their financial stability and further concentrate on building up a sense of “we-ness” , their marital satisfaction will be more resilient against the challenges of raising children.

The deepest point in marital satisfaction often comes when the kids enter adolescence. Having a grumpy and moody teenager at home puts a strain on parents’ happiness. Marital satisfaction returns when the kids leave for college.

What Gilbert didn’t say, or it was not reported by the media, is that later in life grown children and their kids, so the grandkids, become a main source for the mental well-being of the elderly. A study by Karen Fingerman showed that the majority of “relationships between parents and their adult children improve as parents transition to old age”
.”Generally, there was a feeling on both sides that this was as good as the relationship had been, and both sides felt appreciated and nurtured.” (Karen Fingerman on Purdue University, http://www.purdue.edu/uns/x/2007b/071126FingermanAge.html )

Every time I ask my students about their goals for the next ten years, they put starting a family and raising happy children at the top of their priority list. Only – until now there wasn’t much known about what actually makes children happy. More toys, better video games, a bigger house and/or garden, parents who would stay together, good grades, sports……?Psychologists at the University of British Columbia in Canada are saying all of the above doesn’t count much when it comes to happiness in children.

According to the answers of more than 300 children aged 9 to 12, the answer to the quest for happiness is Spirituality.

Children, who got high happiness marks by their parents and teachers, gave high importance ratings for statements like “I believe that a higher power watches over me” or “developing meaning in my life”.

Spirituality is in the study defined as having an inner-belief system and is not the same as religion. Consequently, attending church had no bearing for the happiness level of the children in the study.

Other factors that influenced the level of happiness in children have been social activities, sports and temperament.

Many psychologists today believe that temperament is the inborn part of personality, and for example being an optimist or a pessimist is a factor of temperament. Simplified, whether you view a glass as half full or half empty is inherited to a certain extent.

Still, even if someone is born as pessimist, it’s possible to modify the outlook:

Ask yourself (or ask your child) at bedtime what positive things happened during the day and what you are grateful for. Research shows that focusing on the positive will make you happier over time and is good for your health. Read on: http://www.coach4u.net/blog/2-steps-happiness.html

Stress is bad for you -there is nothing new about that. Everyone knows that stress could cause heart problems, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, and headaches. Scientists at the Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia now discovered that stress may also play a role in obesity.

In an experiment, the researchers compared the feeding pattern of socially dominant female rhesus macaques and socially subordinate. The subordinates were exposed to more stress because rhesus macaques maintain group stability through continual harassment and threat of aggression against lower ranking group members.

During the study, the rhesus macaques were given access to a low fat diet and a high fat diet. The researchers found that socially subordinate females consumed significantly more of both the low-fat diet and the high-fat diet throughout a 24-hour period, while socially dominant females ate significantly less than subordinate animals and restricted their feedings to daytime hours.

Result: Overeating subordinate females gained weight. In addition, the researchers found an increased level of the hormone cortisol in their blood, which could set them on the track to diabetes.

In further studies, the researchers will attempt to determine whether there is a link between brain areas associated with reward and satisfaction and appetite signals. Hypothetically, it could be that we are kind of “programmed” to eat more when we are under psychological stress, and then, for a “stress eater” it will be much harder to stick to a diet.

Read more: http://www.whsc.emory.edu/press_releases2.cfm?announcement_id_seq=14225

 

According to my teenage sons ‘it’s not cool to be old’- and of course, to them anyone over thirty looks suspiciously old.

What little do they know! They don’t know for example that according to a recently published study (Yang Yang, University of Chicago, 2008) older people are happier than younger people. This is because older people have learned to lower their expectations. They are more likely to be content with whatever they have achieved in life. The well-known psychologist Erik Erikson described already more than 50 years ago the main task of late adulthood as “coming to terms with one’s life”, and those who succeed will gain the feeling of integrity, which he described as feeling whole and complete.

Life satisfaction seems to be a factor of one’s perception: as lower the expectation, as higher the happiness. People over 65 don’t expect life to be perfect. They have learned to accept certain aches and pains as part of life, and in general, they develop a more positive attitude.

In another study, published about ten years ago, people over 65 reported more positive emotions and less negative emotions than their younger counterparts. Also this study came to the conclusion that the older you are the happier and more satisfied you should feel. (D. Mroczek & Ch. Kolarz, Fordham University, 1998).

It seems that we all should look forward to our golden years – and there is another good reason for it: Researchers at Yale University found out that people with a positive attitude toward aging live in average 7.5 years longer than those with negative stereotypes (Levy et. al., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 83, No.2)

Struggling with weight loss, exercising more, eating healthier? Are you still holding on to your New Year’s resolutions, but just barely? Wait, before you give up. Signing up at stickK.com maybe the solution you have been looking for.

The website offers support for those of us with willpower issues when it comes to achieving our personal goals:
 

stickK is a web-based company that helps you achieve your personal goals through “Commitment Contracts.” You create a contract obliging you to achieve a specific goal within a specific time-frame. By doing so, you put your reputation at stake. You may also choose to wager money to give yourself added incentive to succeed. If you do succeed, you get your money back. If you fail, the money is forfeited to charity, or to one of several causes, or to a person of your choosing.( http://www.stickk.com/faq.php)

The contracts follow the principle of setting SMART goals (read about SMART goals: http://www.coach4u.net/blog/smart-goals.html)

To increase the incentive to reach your goal by putting up money, you can choose an Anti-Charity where your money would go to if you fail. An Anti-Charity is any organization/person whose goals you strongly oppose. Let’s say, if you feel strongly for Hillary, pledge your money for Obama or McCain, whoever is your least favorite candidate, and vice versa.

If you decide to put money at stake, your credit card will be charged for the full amount when you create the contract. The site also encourages its users to name a referee who acts as overseer and the site also offers the possibility to designate supporters.

Does it work and really increase your chances of achieving your goals? The website creators, two Yale professors and a student, of course say yes:
 

The Commitment Contract concept is grounded on two well-known principles of behavioral economics: (1) people don’t always do what they claim they want to do, and (2) incentives get people to do things.(http://www.stickk.com)

A few months ago, I wrote on this blog about a British research study about the success rate for New Year’s resolutions. (http://www.coach4u.net/blog/only-12-of-new-years-resolutions-successful.html). One result of the study has been that particularly women increase their chances of achieving goals by telling others about them. So, yes, stickK.com could be the solution for some people.

And if a public commitment contract, money at stake, referee and support network still are not enough, then – I believe – it would be really time for hiring a professional life & career coach like me; don’t you think?

Tomorrow is April Fool’s day and here I am with a fitting question: Is laughter really the best medicine?

Based only on my gut feeling, I would wholeheartedly say yes. I always feel so relaxed and stress free after a good laugh. This must be good for my body and health, don’t you think so?

Imagine my surprise when I discovered, researching the topic “laughter and health” that there are actually conflicting results with respect to the stress-reducing effect of laughter.

Laughter evolved to bring people together. It’s a social activity, and consequently we laugh much less when we are alone. The physiological effects are described as an increase in heart rate and blood pressure.

According to a Swedish study, laughter activates the fight or flight system and thus increases the release of certain stress hormones. Another study points to a stress relieving effect of laughter, and consequently a reduction in stress hormones.

Studies about another supposed effect of laughter convey less confusing results: Laughter seems to make people less sensitive to pain.

One effect for sure is: We are in a better mood, if we have something to laugh about.

Therefore, any ideas for April fool’s day?

CNN lists today the 10 best pranks; among them all female employees told the boss confidentially that they are pregnant: http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/03/31/fool.pranks.work/index.html

The top ranked prank on the list of the Museum of Hoaxes is a BBC TV story. In 1957, BBC announced that thanks to a mild winter Swiss farmers would have a record spaghetti harvest. The report showed footage of people pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. After the show, many people called BBC wanting to know where they could get a spaghetti tree. BBC’s advice: “Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.” This story and 99 more pranks at: http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/index

(Information about laughter is based on an article by Robert R. Provine, Ph.D., published in Psychology Today, 11/01/2000)

While I’m researching and working on my planned e-book, this story made recently headlines: The secret to happiness is giving away your money.

It was already known, based on earlier studies, that getting more money is not doing much for most people’s happiness, provided they are not extremely poor. Just consider how much money we have today and how much money our parents or grandparents had. Earlier generations often struggled just to get enough food on the dinner table so that nobody would have to go to bed hungry. Today, most of us take food for guaranteed, also cell-phones, cable TV and computers. Well, are we happier than our parents and grandparents? We aren’t, and now we may have an answer why:

According to the new study, recently published in the journal Science, how people spend their money is at least as important as how much money they make.

A survey of 632 Americans showed that those, who gave more money to charities or spent it on friends and relatives reported higher levels of happiness. In another survey 16 employees of a Boston company were polled about their happiness before and after they received fat bonuses and also here, the researchers found a correlation between happiness and the amount of money people spent on others.

In an experiment, 46 students at the University of British Columbia received envelopes with $5 or $20. The students were told to either spend the money on themselves or on other people. The group that were told to spend it on others, either by donating it or to buy someone a gift, felt happier when they were polled again than those, who could spend it for themselves, regardless whether they could spent $ 5 or $20.

The researchers suggest now that governments may consider promoting philanthropy just to increase their citizens’ happiness. My personal suggestion is of course different: Get a life coach and discover the purpose of your life. Take it from there to discover what would make YOU happy.

I’m working right now on an e-book about the general topic ‚Happiness‘and ‘How to improve one’s life?’ My plan is to publish the book here on this website in approximately three months. I don’t want to add another textbook or another self-help book to the growing collection of e-books about this topic. Rather, I’m planning a book that will guide the reader toward more clarity about own goals, wishes and needs.

I don’t believe that there is a general answer to the question “What is happiness?” For one person true happiness could come with raising children, for another it may come as result of mastering challenging tasks in a chosen profession, and for a third person happiness may be equal to making the world a better place to live in, or having a positive impact on the life of others.

Daniel Gilbert, Professor of Psychology at Harvard University, writes: “If we were to agree to reserve the word happiness to refer to that class of subjective emotional experiences that are vaguely described as enjoyable or pleasurable”…..”we might still wonder whether the happiness one gets from helping a little old lady across the street constitutes a different kind of emotional experience – bigger, better, deeper – than the happiness one gets from eating a slice of banana-cream pie.” (Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert, published by Vintage books, 2007, p. 41/42)

In my opinion, there is a fundamental difference. Happiness is not only about feeling good. If it would be, we won’t need to think about it. Why should we? Eating banana-cream pie would do the job. Kids think like that. They believe that having money will make you happy. However, countless of middle aged professionals, exchanging their well paying job for cheese-making farms know otherwise. Happiness involves fulfilling your own personal needs.

Now, the question many people can’t answer is: What are these needs? What is it that I must have, do, accomplish, or experience during my time on this earth so that I will feel complete at the end of my journey? I believe, knowing the answer to this question provides the foundation for finding happiness.

Gilbert also writes that “the human being is the only animal that thinks about the future” (p.4). He believes that thinking about the future contributes to our stumbling on happiness, because we must decide here and now what we might enjoy and want in future and this is where we fail.

I would like to reword his thought; the human being is the only animal that expects that there is more to life than mere survival as a race.

Would we be happier if we had lower expectations?

Somehow, after the gym I don’t feel as energized as after a good hike through the woods. Scientists recently found out what’s missing in most gyms: Something green.
The benefit of exercising outdoors goes beyond burning calories. Being outside in Mother Nature helps reducing stress, depression and anger and thus overall, improves the emotional state.

Well, that’s nice to know, but not much comfort in the middle of a long New England winter. Today, it was snowing lightly throughout the entire day.

But it seems that research offers a solution for people with limited outdoor opportunities based on their geographical location:

Researcher at the University of Essex in Britain tested the impact of different views on treadmill runners. One group was exposed to idyllic rural views while running, and the other group to rather unpleasant city views. After 20 minutes of exercise the researcher measured blood pressure and how the participants were feeling. Needless to say, the group who looked at the rural views had the better results.

What would be your perfect day? Who would be in it? What would you do? What makes a day the “perfect day”?

For me, right now, a perfect day would be one, where I don’t have to think about what I “must do next”. I long for a day off – but I know this is only temporary, since I feel a little exhausted.

Normally, I would describe my perfect day differently: I would describe it as a nice, sunny and warm day. I’m spending the day with people I love to be around; and I would get to know something new; the last point being the most important part of the perfect day. I love to have new experiences in my life; these may be traveling to foreign countries, taking courses or visit a museum where I haven’t been before.

I’m unhappy if I have to spend my days with routine jobs, in routine meetings, or with routine chores at home.

Why did I ask the questions about your perfect day? Because I believe, it’s important to think once in a while about the perfect day. It tells you where you are standing right now in life, what’s missing and what you might want to change or add, if possible.

One of my favorite quotations:
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. (Benjamin Disraeli)